Confessions from a restless sleep

I’ve been having trouble falling asleep lately. 

I go through phases like this a few times a year and I’ve learned lots of great things that help me, none of which are helping this time around. 

Last night as I was tossing and turning, I noticed that I was thinking. A lot. 

All these ideas were popping into my mind about work. I was also thinking about random life things. 

I asked myself…why at night?!

Why am I having all these thoughts now and not during normal life hours?

And then it hit me.

It occurred to me that on this particular day, this was the first moment of the day where I allowed myself to sit (lie) down and be with myself, my thoughts, alone, uninterrupted. 

The first point of my day where I allowed my thoughts and ideas to come through. 

The first point of the day where I allowed myself to reflect on conversations I was having, things I’d learned that day, and to give my worries some air time to just exist and be processed.

I started thinking about some common threads and my behaviour over recent days when I haven’t been able to sleep.  

I have been filling all my downtime with activities, and filling every quiet moment or quiet activity with new information. 

I always have something in my ears. 

I’m not walking outside as much lately. 

I’m still journalling (something I really enjoy), but with a question/prompt in mind that doesn’t allow for my mind to expand in the way it seems to be doing at night when I’m in bed. 

And even though I’m “accomplishing things” during the day, I’m not being with myself. 

And I’m realising that that isn’t going to work for me anymore, as a human or as someone who’s recently started a business which involves getting creative and coming up with new ideas.

If I’m always doing something or always learning something new from someone else, always in conversation with someone else, scrolling through what everyone else is thinking and doing, how can I hear my own voice? My own opinion? 

I love asking myself what an emotion or experience is here to teach me? 

If I’m consistently not sleeping well and the things that usually work aren’t working, what else might there be to learn here?

THE LESSON

Create more open space in my day. 

Give myself space to think, reflect, to be on my own that isn’t just when my head hits the pillow. 

Don’t just bounce from one activity to the next, filling the silence with background noise, an audio book, or a podcast. 

Don’t just bounce from one screen to the next. 

Give my brain quiet moments to just be. 

To reflect. 

To process. 

During the day. 

Not just at night. 

Even just cleaning the dishes or cooking without any new inputs gives me a chance to hear my own thoughts.

Or just going for a walk without a podcast or the news playing in my ears. 

Sometimes we don’t even realise how uncomfortable we are with being with our thoughts. 

What are we avoiding?

In my case, I think I’m avoiding the unknown. The uncertainty. These things can seem uncomfortable but they don’t have to be.

What I’m realising is that being alone with your thoughts is a skill and one I need to keep working on. 

On that note, I’m going to go for a walk so I can let my thoughts run free for a few minutes. 

Am I alone in this or do you feel this too?